Dear Diary: The Cloud Over My Head

EF821BA6-F3A6-4458-AF54-05284822092FDear Diary #1: My thoughts are cloudy, my thoughts are so scrambled. Nothing is clear to me. Clinching my chest “I think I’m having an anxiety attack”! My chest hurts, I just want to be in a corner somewhere and be left alone. I want complete silence, no sounds, just pure silence.

My head, my head, my mind won’t shut up. I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to cry.  I Can’t Cry, I feel so cold, my voice won’t come out, I feel like I’m choking.

I try to distract my mind. I try to distract the sadness, to have more positive thoughts. I pray and pray. I listened to upbeat music. I read positive articles, books. I couldn’t concentrate. I don’t know what to do! My mind is all over the place, it won’t calm down, it won’t shut up.

The truth is, I’m so mad at myself. I’m so mad at myself, for the bad decisions that I have made. I’m mad for the bad choices I have made in my life. Now the consequences of those choices are hunting me. I should’ve known better! All the pain I endured, and God has pulled me through.

I have a second chance. I have an opportunity to redeem myself . I needed to take time for myself. I needed time to heal from all the tragedies from all the traumas. I have a second change to start over with my beautiful children.

I can breathe now, well, I have a little relief. It’s a recovery process. Transitioning to survival mode.

To be continued…..

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